Chapter 6

Listening and Asking Tactics

Active listening, question stacking, silence, and the tactical skills that make discovery conversations actually work.

As many people say, “Failing to plan means you are planning to fail.”

This means you need a map, and all maps have a few specific things:

1. Title: N.E.A.T. Selling
2. Legend: description, explanation, and other items to help with orientation
3. Key: a part of the legend that explains the symbols or gives scale
4. Grid: to help pinpoint your location We have the title, the legend, and the key. We have our N.E.A.T. Selling compass helping us figure out directions. We have our understanding of how humans make decisions, we have a stronger sense of self with our Respect Contracts, and we have our process in place. Now we just need to know the specific moves we should make—the tactics we’ll use to bring the humanity back into the selling process so that everyone wins.

These next few chapters and tactics are a part of your grid. They will help you complete your entire map of the Seller’s Journey. And more specifically, they will help you pinpoint your location and determine how far away you are from your treasure.

How I view tactics in sales stems heavily from my own therapy experience. Sometimes you hear a new phrase or concept for the first time and it just sticks. It resonates so much that it becomes applicable to everything—and that’s what happened to me when I really started diving into my own inner workings years ago.

When I learned about Transactional Analysis, I started thinking about how it relates to sales tactics. If Transactional Analysis talks about the communication exchanges between people, and tactics are the small actions we take to build trust between us and our potential customers, then it becomes clear how much we can interweave the two.

The first tactic, below, is the use of Active Listening.

Tactic 1: Active Listening

Without cheating, see if you can answer these questions:

Pop Quiz I: “The Piano Man” by Billy Joel.

• What was the old man drinking?
• Who was practicing politics?
• Who is the real estate novelist?

Pop Quiz II: “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” by Beyoncé.

• How many years did she cry her tears?
• What kind of jeans is she wearing?
• What does she deserve?

Of course not everybody knows these songs, but they are songs people often sing along with. And yet when stopped to answer these questions, people often cannot remember the lyrics that specifically. The words are on the tip of their tongue but stop there.

Even when we’re sure we’re listening and sure we got what we heard, it doesn’t always stick. So we have to be very present in conversations. And not only intentionally present, but curious and empathetic towards our prospects. We must open our minds to listening first, then thinking, and then, if the time is right, speaking. And sometimes we should not speak at all.

Active Listening is using your own internal and intentional being to fully listen and be present in the conversation, absorbing not just the words they are using but their tone of voice, mannerisms, and their overall presence. We do this by removing distractions, listening with our eyes, not just our ears, and slowing our breathing. It requires a true focus that is both intentional and purposeful. When we listen with intent and purpose, we are fully present, and that is a moment when a prospect or customer can begin to fall in trust with us.

Whenever I talk about this with teams, I make sure to stress the word “intent” because, let’s be real, we all get distracted. We could be in the middle of a conversation and anxiously waiting to reply because we can’t wait to answer their question or comment so that they know we’re listening (the irony!). The practice is intentionally listening. Not anticipating a reply, not waiting to speak. Just listening with purpose. That’s the piece I always want teams to really understand: before you speak up, first make sure to tell yourself to focus, then speak.

When you’re able to focus and actively listen, it allows you to operate on an equal basis with someone and meet them where they’re at. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Yeah, okay, Richard. I do this all of the time. That’s easy.” Or maybe you’re on the other side of the fence thinking, “Okay, but how exactly do I do that? What does it really mean?” Whichever one it may be, we’re going to cover it all. Cue intention!

Removing Distractions

During the COVID pandemic, many of us were forced to move our work lives in with our home lives. Even since before the pandemic, we’ve been inundated with distractions thanks to social media. With all of these changes in our environments, I know I’m not the only one who’s prone to distractions while on calls.

We feel a pressure to respond to every message, every person, every notification, every “ding.” It’s no surprise that with a day full of Zoom meetings, we can get completely distracted and stop being intentional in our conversations—which just makes it more necessary and important than ever before. The problem is, when people talk about Active Listening, it’s rarely followed by advice on how to do it successfully. So whenever I teach my clients about Active Listening, I start by talking through what we can remove physically from our environment to improve our listening.

If you’re a pen chewer, a fidget spinner-er, or a 700-tab-opener... just get rid of it all. It may be tempting to keep something on your desk to play with while you’re on calls. It might be extremely tempting to keep browser tabs open so you can try to sneak in an email or do a little extra research. We suggest going cold turkey and just cutting all of it. You may think these things help you, but in reality, they’re just a crutch, and they’re taking you away from the opportunity to really connect with your prospect.

If you like to keep your phone on your desk during calls, that’s normal—but you’re better off making sure it’s silenced and put away. Just putting your phone face down is not removing the distraction; in fact, it’s the opposite. It’s saying the phone is more important than the audience; you just want to pretend it’s not. The worst is being on a call and all of a sudden you have beeps and vibrations from Slack notifications, a text coming through, a LinkedIn message arriving . . . It’s an easy way to make your prospect wonder if you’re paying attention and a surefire way to signal that you’re probably not. So your surroundings are just as important an Active Listening tactic as the listening itself.

So remove the distractions:

1. Calendar/Slack notifications off
2. Phone on silent and put behind you or in a drawer
3. Close all unnecessary computer tabs
4. No fidget spinners

Physically Being Present

Body language is everything, and it’s a whole other sales skill to learn. (We won’t go into the details here; you can buy whole books on it.) But when the pandemic hit, in-person meetings and coffee dates were nonexistent. We just had little screens to operate on with each other every day.

Sometimes you have to show someone you are listening, so what are some ways we can do this on a little screen? Maybe it’s giving a head nod and an occasional “mm-hmm” so the other person knows you’re listening and engaged. Maybe it’s eye contact, smiling, eyebrows, or body posture.

The truth? It’s a mix of all of the above. The challenge for salespeople is: do we notice these cues from the other person and use that knowledge to dig deeper and pause to ask more questions? Or do we just notice they’re engaging in some capacity and move on? Take a second and think about a conversation you had recently and what you did. Did you pause and go deeper, or did you move on?

Here is our advice on confirming you are physically present for people, part of which we covered earlier in the Respect Contract.

First, explain your presence. Of course people know the camera, the screen, and the keyboard are in different places. And yes, we hope they are really paying attention to us. However, when I explain my video meeting setup, it also tells them they are very important and that nothing will distract me from our conversation. A plus to doing this is that it reminds them to be more present as well.

Second is note-taking. When your prospect knows you are taking notes, they know you are listening. And we go one step further: we explain the notes we take. Here’s the template we use to take notes for client calls. Feel free to use it as well.

Next Steps

• Richard to include
• [Contact] to speak to the internal team
• Richard and [Contact] to speak again [date] Challenges & Training
• At the end of the engagement, we expect the team to

Timeline

• [Company] needs to complete the project by [date] Commercial Terms
• $$$$$$

What to Notice and Why It Works

The subject line is easy to understand and easy to find. Also:

1. The second sentence is critical. If they don’t respond, they now have skin in the game if something is off.
2. Next steps are immediate. That’s always the most important thing.
3. It is purposely written to look short so people will scroll through. Even if they hate long emails, it’s OK; it shows I am detail-oriented.
4. It’s written in such a way that they can forward the email to others on their team.
5. It shows them I am actively listening.
6. It gets them to further fall in trust with us based on how we do business, not just the pains we solve.

Tactic 2: Empathy

Active Listening and empathy go hand in hand. It is almost impossible to be empathetic towards someone if we are not doing a good job of listening with intent.

The definitions of empathy we like to refer to are from professor and author Brené Brown. She argues that empathy is about fueling a connection between two people. It is not sympathy. As she describes it, sympathy drives a disconnection.

Empathy helps people feel included. When we say things like “You are not alone” and we mean it, that connects people. Empathy is about being committed to fully understanding someone’s experience. It requires a conscious effort of perspective-taking.

So, when we do a good job of actively listening, it means we can truly meet our prospects and customers in their headspace. It means we are able to understand their perspective; we can hopefully not be judgmental about them and their experiences, we can comprehend the emotions they are feeling, and of course we can articulate this recognition to them. And if we are really good, we can be vulnerable and ask them to confirm if we are interpreting and understanding things correctly.

All of which goes back to the principles of Active Listening.

Note: we feel the need to separate Active Listening and empathy as two different tactics. They are often used as buzzwords, but rarely explained in a business setting.

After all, it’s possible to actively listen and not feel or demonstrate empathy. At least that’s what my family sometimes says to me.

Tactic 3: Open- and Closed-Ended Questions

We’ve earned the right to ask questions with a Respect Contract. We know there are two kinds of questions: open-ended and closed-ended. We also know the difference—or do we? And we’ve been taught that open-ended questions are better—but are they always?

Here are a few things to know about open- and closed-ended questions.

Advantages of Open-Ended Questions

The best thing about open-ended questions is that they force us to shut up. It’s not that we don’t get a yes or no answer; it’s that they require us, the salespeople, to be quiet and actively listen.

1. They give us time for strategic thinking. While listening, we get a moment to strategize on where to guide the conversation next.
2. They give our prospects just the right amount of control. In fact, in some cases they may feel they are in control. Hint: they are not.
3. They help our prospects hear themselves admit their own problems. When they hear it in their own words, it has deeper meaning.

They help our prospects and customers engage their Child Ego state. Remember, the Child Ego is the one that says, “I want it!”—including customers wanting to solve their problems.

Advantages of Closed-Ended Questions

There are definitely moments when closed-ended questions are helpful in the sales process. A properly timed closed-ended question forces the rational mindset or Adult Ego in an attempt to get an answer about moving forward. Remember, the Adult Ego gives us permission to move forward.

This is what the process may look like: Salesperson asks, “So, based on this, can I send the contract over?” Prospect quickly thinks in the following way:

• Child Ego: How much do I want to solve this problem?
• Parent Ego: Is this the right or wrong solution? Is it the appropriate time to move forward?
• Adult Ego: What are the downsides or upsides of moving forward right now?

1. Prospect gives a yes or no answer.

Tactic 4: And vs. But

“And” and “but” are two of the simplest words in the English language, and yet they are often misunderstood and misused in sales.

Consider these examples:

I understand what you are saying, but . . .

I understand what you are saying, and I wonder how you would feel about. . .

I agree with you, but . . .

I agree with you, and what if . . .

Do you see what’s going on?

“And” introduces an additional idea and probes for further explanation. “But” contradicts what was previously said and dismisses the other person’s idea, which can then be interpreted as a rejection of their emotions. Ever had to break up with someone? Or has someone broken up with you? That’s the stronger version of the same emotion you trigger when you use the word “but.”

In short, the word “but” dismisses everything that was said before it; the word “and” allows you to simply acknowledge what was said and subconsciously tells the other party you agree with them, even if you do not. It’s much easier to get someone to change their mind when they feel you agree with them. Using “and” allows for this to happen.

Now, there are two parts of this to consider when putting it into practice.

One: actively listen to your prospects and listen for when they use the word “but.” What happens when you hear them use it? Are they pretending to agree with you?

Two: try to be conscious of when you use the word “but”; see if you can flip it into an “and.” This takes some time to get used to, and don’t worry if you do not always get it right, but try it and see if you feel like it can work for you.

(Incidentally, I use the word “but” 88 times in this book, including the 10 times I used it just to talk about it in this tactic. I use the word “and” 1,087 times in the book. And yes, that was intentional.)

Tactic 5: Bucketing Discovery Questions

One of the simplest techniques we recommend for all clients is to “bucket” discovery questions—that is, draft them in advance and sort them into categories. For example, if you are going to try to determine Access to Authority, what are the questions you could use? If you are going to drive to Economic Impact, what are the questions to use for that? In many cases a lot of the questions will be the same, and of course, with each new prospect or client, you will want to make some adjustments as needed. You saw some of this above in the list of questions to have ready for each part of N.E.A.T. Selling. We want to encourage people to practice this at much more specific levels. Think specific use cases in the sales process. In these examples we are often doing a different kind of discovery.

Often discovery is thought to refer to the prospect’s or customer’s specific pains. That is not always the case. We have to do discovery throughout the sales process. And it is important to have a few buckets of questions for your unique situations.

We often teach this bucketing technique as a “pre-qualifying” moment before providing something of value to your prospects and customers. So often we are eager to simply give the demo or send the proposal, and we forget to do some discovery there.

Here is how you use the bucketing technique to pre-qualify. Before a demo, make sure you ask and get clear answers to the following questions:

1. What are the three things you want to make sure you review through this demo?
2. After demos like this, our most successful customers take the information back to their team for review. Normally, when you do that, who would be the most skeptical person on the team?
3. What would the most skeptical person want to see if they were here today?
4. After I show you this demo, and you take it to your team, and if your team is still interested, what happens from your side as a next step?

Before sending a proposal, make sure you ask and get clear answers to the following questions:

1. When could we schedule some time to walk through the proposal?
2. How long does it normally take for a proposal to be finalized?
3. Once we review the proposal, what will happen next on your side?
4. How many approvals does the proposal have to go through?
5. Who else sees it after you?
6. What other departments have to sign off on the proposal even though they have given the verbal go-ahead?
7. Is anyone going to be on PTO during this process that we should think about now?
8. What is the one thing that would prevent this proposal from going forward to contracting?